Independent Business Man

Recently I had need of a rental car.  Rate comparison is made totally easy with the Internet so I take to the keyboard and start comparing prices.  I begin with the better known companies such as Enterprise, Hertz and Avis.  I only needed the car for a short amount of time and figured this wouldn't be much of an expense.  The rental car companies disagreed with me.  The rates for those first three companies fell in lock step with one another offering a rate around 80 bucks.  Surely there is a better way to go.  Enter Budget Rent-a-Car.

Budget beats the other rates by twenty five dollars.  Not huge but for some reason I felt better saving that money given the short duration.  Plus, I could get a Ford Escape which I think is a fun car.  I book the reservation right then and there.  Easy peesy.

Upon arrival at the airport, I make the trek to the rental car desks.  And it is a trek I kid you not.  Fortunately I'm traveling light and have a long stride, but I'm also racing the clock.  I finally make my way to the rental car area and find a bunch of people waiting against the wall opposite the Budget desk.  No solid conclusion comes to me for why they are holding up the wall so being the critical thinker that I am I put this in the back of my mind in the "To be figured out later" file.  I queue up behind the one guy in the Budget line and listen in to what is happening. 

"We don't have any cars ready at the moment.  We are getting them cleaned as quickly as possible and will let you know when your car is ready."

Ah, so that's the reason for the bunch of people behind me.  They have no cars.  Great.  I get up to the desk and provide all my information.  The lady smirks politely while typing away.  She gives me the line up above about no cars being ready and it will be a half hour wait.  I give her a look of disbelief but then realize there isn't anything I can really do.  I ask if she knows what car will be available for me to which she replies that she doesn't know.  Only that it will be an SUV like I had reserved.  Technically a "cute ute" which describes the small end of the SUV scale.  I sigh and take my place on the wall.

To their credit, fifteen minutes later I was called up to the desk before any of the other suckers on the wall.  I thought about laying down a De-generation X smack down to the others but thought better.  The lady informs me that they have a Suzuki Grand Vitara available. 

Me: "You don't have a Ford Escape?"

Lady: "No...We have a Chevy Trailblazer if you would like that instead.  It will be just a little while longer."

Me: "Thank you but no.  I'll stick with the Suzuki."

No Ford Escape for me.  Bitches.  I was looking forward to the Ford Escape.  C'est la vie.  I grab the keys and walk out, following the painted feet.  I make it to the rental car area and of course Budget is on the ass end of the parking lot.  It is warming up steadily and I'm wearing nice clothes.  The plane ride didn't result in me sweating out my attire and I was praying I could jump into my car and get the AC going.  I find the Suzuki Grand Viagra and jump in.  I make all the driving school adjustments and crank the AC.  I'm ready to go and reach for the shift just as I note a light on the dash.  It is a yellow exclamation point in parenthesis that resembles an asshole.  ( ! )  This can't be good.  I turn the car off and start it back up again.  It goes through the standard cycle and the warning light comes on again. 

Crap.  I turn it off and start to look for a Budget employee.  One comes by and I tell him the situation.  He says that the lights come on but typically go off again.  "No shit," I think to myself.  I've been driving long enough to know that.  Captain Obvious takes the keys and climbs in.  He starts it up and immediately points out that the lights have stopped.  I wait three seconds and point out the one that is still blinking.  "Oh..." says Captain Obvious.  "That's a tire pressure light."  He jumps out and examines all the tires that appear to be holding air.  "You should be fine as the tires are full." 

Me: "I don't want to find out down the road that you are wrong about this."

Capt. O: "You should be fine."

Me: "I'm not taking this car.  Can you assign me another one?"

Capt. O: (Dejected) "You'll have to go back inside."

What the fuck???!!!  First take the car with the blinking warning light and then send me back inside?  You've got a radio that is chattering along.  You can make all the changes in the field without sending me back.  Dumb ass.  I stomp back into the airport and tell them the situation. 

Lady: Typity-type-type  "Would you take a Hyundai Sonota?"

Me: "There aren't any SUV's available?"

Lady: "We should have some available soon."

Me: "No.  The Hyundai is here so I'll take that."

Lady: "Typity-type-type.  Scribble-scribble-scribble.  "Here you go.  Ron will have the keys for you."

Me: "Thank you.  Who's Ron?"

Lady: "He's...He's out there with a Budget vest on."

Me: "There's several guys out there with Budget vests on."

Lady: "He'll find you."

I head back out and reach the Budget area where no one is waiting for me.  I go around and ask everyone wearing a Budget vest if they are Ron.  Eventually I find him.  Same schmuck who "helped" me the first time around.  Yeah, I'm back asshole. 

Me: "I'm supposed to see you about a Hyundai Sonata."

Ron: "Let's see here."  Fiddle, fiddle, dig, fiddle.  "Okay here are the keys."

Me: "Thank you," thinking WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO GO BACK INTO THE MOTHERFUCKING TERMINAL WHEN YOU FUCKING HAD THE GODDAMN KEYS IN YOUR FUCKING VEST POCKET THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME???!!!!

I get into the car, hitting my head on the way in as Koreans are short people.  Sitting in the seat I find that my head touches the roof that I'm about to explode through given all the bullshit I've had to deal with today.  Wondering if anything else can go wrong, I see a slip of paper on the dash.  I read it and see that Budget is going to do me a favor and go the extra mile for me by automatically charging me fifteen bucks if I drive the car 75 miles or less.  To avoid the charge, I need to fill up at a gas station and show them the receipt.  That does it.

Of all the goddamn cheap ass ways to fucking part someone with their hard earned money, this has to be near the top of the fucking list.  What back-stabbing, thieving, shit-eating fuckwit thought this would be a great idea to raise revenue?  What a bunch of horseshit. 

I drive off and do what I came to do.  When it is time to return, I hit the gas station and put in four bucks of gas.  There is no fucking way they are getting that money from me.  I get back to Budget and again stomp into the desk area where I restrain myself from putting the keys through the skull of the desk jockey.  I put them on the desk, point out my receipt for gas, and request that he remove the automatic charge from my account.  Without a word, he types away and gives me my receipt.

So for all of you who might need to rent a car, do not use Budget.  They are a bunch of self-serving assholes who like your money way more than you do and are working hard at coming up with all sorts of new and creative ways to take it from you.  I wouldn't be surprised to see charges for extras like seats and windows from these motherfuckers.  Pay the extra to get the better level of service from one of the other companies.  Your state of mind is well worth it.  I didn't have this problem with Enterprise and I'll be going back to them. 

I first came across this in Maxim during the late 90's.  It still generally rings true and is completely stereotypical of the sexes.  I've added my bits in parentheses.

100 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy

1.    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2.    Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3.    You know stuff about tanks.

4.    A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5.    Monday Night Football (or Geek night).

6.    You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

7.    Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8.    You can open all your own jars.

9.    Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10.    Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11.    When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

12.    Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13.    All your orgasms are real.

14.    A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15.    Guys in hockey masks don't attack you, unless you just slammed them into the boards.

16.    You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17.    You understand why Stripes, Major League and Slap Shot are funny.

18.    You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19.    Your last name stays put.

20.    You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21.    When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22.    You can kill your own food.

23.    The garage is all yours.

24.    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25.    You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26.    Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27.    You never have to clean the toilet.

28.    You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes (Yes this is possible for me to do).   

29.    Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30.    Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31.    If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32.    Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33.    The National College Cheerleading Championship (or Comicons or PAX) 

34.    None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35.    You don't have to shave below your neck.

36.    You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37.    If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.

38.    You can write your name in the snow.

39.    You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40.    Everything on your face stays its original color.

41.    Chocolate is just another snack.

42.    You can be president.

43.    You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44.    Flowers fix everything.

45.    You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46.    You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47.    You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48.    Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49.    You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50.    You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51.    Foreplay is optional.

52.    Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53.    Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54.    You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55.    You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56.    You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57.    Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58.    You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59.    You and your buddy can watch a game in silence for hours without thinking even once: "Gee.... He must be mad at me."

60.    The world is your urinal.

61.    You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62.    You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63.    Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64.    One mood, all the time.

65.    You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66.    You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

67.    You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68.    You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69.    Same work.... more pay.

70.    Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71.    You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72.    Wedding Dress $2000 to $20,000+; Tux rental $100.

73.    You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74.    With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75.    You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76.    If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77.    The remote is yours and yours alone.

78.    People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79.    ESPN's sports center (Comedy Central and Adult Swim).

80.    You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81.    Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82.    You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83.    You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84.    You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85.    If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

86.    Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

87.    You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"

88.    If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89.    Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

90.    The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.

91.    You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92.    You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93.    If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94.    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95.    Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96.    You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97.    Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98.    Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

99.    Baywatch

100.  There is always a game on somewhere.

Would you rather...

Have all of your hair look/feel like pubes OR be completely bald?

Bald.  I’ll wear a hat.

Fight Mike Tyson OR talk like him?

I’ll take that sissy on.  I think I can beat Mike Tyson.

Fly when you fart OR pee every time you laugh?

I laugh a lot so the flying would be more fun…unless it is at night in my sleep.

Experience life like a video game OR a movie?

Is there much of a difference now?  I suppose in a video game you get unlimited do-overs now which would be handy.  I'll take the video game.

Be able to change genders at will OR change height at will?

I’m going to go with height on this one.  Much more useful with real world applications.

See in ColecoVision graphic quality when having sex OR have to use clinical terms during dirty talk?
      (For example, “Penetrate that vagina!”; “Lick that mons pubis!”; “Ram that glans against the epidermis of the uvula!”)

Take it in its entirety you inexpensive female prostitute who is absent of all sense of ethics and morality.

Get a blow job from a nappy rotten tooth bitch once OR fall asleep while having sex every time?

The falling asleep DURING could be a problem if you are performing the Italian Flying Chandelier which is my fav.  I’ll have the BJ.

Who'd you rather? (be or do... whichever you prefer)
George Clooney or Brad Pitt? Be George Clooney
Jean-Luc Picard or Captain Kirk? Be Jean-Luc Picard (easy)
Neil Patrick Harris or Clay Aiken? Gotta be NPH
Beyonce or Rihanna? Do Beyonce…ah yeah
Hillary Clinton or Barbara Bush & $10,000? Do Babs and grab the 10 large
Tyra Banks or Oprah? Do Tyra Banks
Donald Trump or Donald Rumsfeld? Be Rumy. The Pentagon is a fun place.
Rosie O'Donnell or Rosie Perez talking nonstop?  Do Rosie Perez
Tom Hanks or Tom Cruise?  Be Tom Hanks.  He’s the man.
Johnny Depp or Harrison Ford?  Doi.  Harrison Ford all the way.  The first thing I'd do is toss out Calista.
Clint Eastwood or Robert Redford?  Do you feel lucky punk?  Well do ya?  That’s Clint for those unawares.
Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears?  Do LiLo
R.Kelly or Flavor Flav? (ick... I know...)  Do R.Kelly so I can donkey punch that son of a bitch
Barbara Walters or Martha Stewart?  Do Barbara Walters.  I bet she’s a screamer who talks so dirty the walls turn yellow. 
Jay Leno or David Letterman?  Be Dave.  That seems like a lot of fun.
Jessica Simpson or Ashlee Simpson?  Do Jessica.
Rachel Ray or Dr. Phil?   Do Rachel Ray but it’d take longer than 30 minutes.

What would you rather have...
Coke or Pepsi?  Coke every day of the week and twice on Sundays
Cookies or candy?  Cookies
Cell phone or laptop?  Laptop, absolutely
SUV or hybrid compact?  SUV
Rain or snow?  Snow…Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Football or basketball?  Basketball
Appetizers or desserts?  Desserts.  No contest.
Hours of geocaching or hours of awesome sex? (for Tree...lol)  Can’t we have both?

A nice organization chart depicting just how geeky you may be.  This was created by Lore Sjoberg on The Brunching Shuttlecocks site.  Here is the link to the site.  I tried to post up a picture but the print in the boxes was too small.  Click and see if you have a spot of honor within the chart.  The lowest on the chart for me is Roleplaying Gamer.  That is well above Furries and Erotic Furries.  At any rate, I'm always solid with my standing in the Geek Community although it is nice to have some structure to see where you stand.

I've really got nothing to say.  I've tried a few times to put something together just to say "This is stupid" and then ditch the attempt.  Things have been going on in my life but there isn't really a way to communicate the events in a way that I want to.  No real epiphanies in my life and no one has royally pissed me off on the roads. 

I'm not complaining or making excuses as it seems I'm not alone given the infrequency of posts from our group. 

I have sipped from the water of life and it tastes...like rancid, watered down cough syrup. 

Let me back up a bit here to put some perspective on this.  Feeling thirsty, I wandered over to the local eating establishment looking for something to quench my thirst.  I reached for my trusty Cool Blue Gatorade but then noticed a few other bottles in the cooler.  One that caught my eye was Sobe's Life Water (specifically the Orange Tangerine flavor).  Orange water.  Sounds cool in concept so I throw down my cash and head back to the office. 

I crack this thing open and give it a sniff.  It smells kind of like oranges but more like orange medicine.  This is off to a bad start.  I toss some of the orange stuff back.  There's no being timid here.  I want the full experience here.  The full experience is like tonguing cough syrup from Rosanne's taint on a hot summer day.  At least I'm getting my full allotment of vitamin C as well as some vitamin E, niacin, B6, and B12 while suppressing a gag reflex. 

However 20 ounces of water can taste so bad with 24 grams of sugar is beyond me.  A big thumbs down on this bottle of pure yuckiness.  I'm coming back to you Gatorade and I'm sorry I strayed. 

Are there any people you would not tell if they had food in their teeth or if their zipper were down? Why or why not?
Submitted by Charms.

Thing is, even if you tell Bag these things, he doesn't care.  Hence why I stopped bringing these up to his attention.  If he's happy in his flakey, messy, stuff-in-his-unbrushed-teeth and free-balling world, so be it.

I went to lunch a bit earlier than normal today and they had my favorite soup.  I did a quick happy dance in my head and beelined over to set myself up with a bowl.  In the past, I've been disappointed in the soup.  The label says Ham and Vegetable Soup although past experience would suggest that it be relabeled to One Ham Cube, A Few Carrots and a Lot of Broth Soup.  Getting here earlier however, I learned the lesson of the early bird. 

I sent the ladle straight to the bottom of the pot and struck pay dirt.  Bringing it back up rewarded me with a plethora of ham and potato chunks with the appropriate mix of vegetables.  Just then I realized that getting there late for the soup allowed all the others to dig deep like I had just done and take the best parts of the soup.  Well fuck them for today I scored the goodies.

Now I'm off to my soup which has cooled down to a reasonable soup temperature.

Show us the comic strip you read most often.

Of course there is no way I can list one.  I've got a daily routine which includes a list of comics to read.  It is a great way to begin the day.  My site of choice for viewing them is just off of Yahoo's news page.  There I catch up on:

Dilbert:  This is a familiar story.  Engineers dealing with idiot bosses although this does apply to anyone who is a worker bee and is employed by a Pointy Haired Boss type.  Thanks to Scott Adams for bringing some humor to a place that desperately needs it.

Monty:  The tales of Monty, the geeky cartoonist who has an eclectic group he hangs out with including Fleshy the hairless cat, Moondog the bum of a friend and Pilsner the parrot who thinks his reflection on a mirror in his cage is his roommate.  Simply random funniness drawn with copious amounts of detail.  Jim Meddick is truly a talented story teller and artist.  This strip started life as Robotman and eventually changed over to Monty when the main character Robotman went off to another planet to live with his new robotwoman bride.

Non Sequitur:  Think of Gary Larson's Far Side with an updated and more biting edge and you have Wiley Miller's Non Sequitur.  A brilliant comic with a running story of a dad raising two girls interspersed with random topical comics thrown in for good measure.  Fans joke that you can tell what Wiley is going through in his life through the comics he writes, whether he's torqued off at some general aspect of people's stupidity or has it out for a group of people such as lawyers or politicians.

9 Chickweed Lane:  This is an intelligent comic where the characters all have a formal education and refined sense of culture, although they aren't so stuffy as not to have moments of complete immaturity.  Brooke McEldowney draws all the characters in a rich manner that allows you to determine their exact moods instantly.  She goes beyond making them happy or sad or angry.  You can easily pick out just at what level of happiness they are feeling.  A great continuous story for sure.

Classic Bloom County:  Yes, Berke Breathed brought this strip to its completion over 15 years ago but it is being run again.  I can relive all the antics of Opus, Bill the Cat, Milo, Binkley, Steve Dallas, Portnoy and Hodge Podge.  The writing and artwork are incredible and continue to warm my heart.  The great thing about this comic is that it always had a political view to it poking fun at the politicians and the political process.  This view is still mostly relevant today.

Working Daze:  A one panel Dilbert wannabe strip which is the creation of John Zakour and Kyle Miller.  It has a more cartoon-y feel than what it emulates.  It is drawn reasonably well and the jokes are written well enough to make me smile on most days which is all I'm really looking for anyway.

What's your favorite type of cheese? Or, if you don't like cheese, why not?
Submitted by Draegon Scribe.

So Crys, what's your fav?  This is so your topic.

I'm certainly not in the "don't like cheese" category.  Definitely towards the other end of the spectrum.  This isn't an easy question to answer as it is situational.  I love mizithra and Parmesan cheese on spaghetti but not on sandwiches where American (do you capitalize it?  I am just in case.) reigns my current favorite.  On crackers it has to be smoky cheddar from Hickory Farms.  That is good stuff.  If you haven't tried it get yourself to a Hickory Farms site to score some.  You'll be glad you did. 

We've got this fancy pants cheese store in town where they put together these great packages.  The staff is quite knowledgeable and can make some fine suggestions.  I can't name any of those cheeses as my pedestrian culture is lacking in that department.  It is just good.